Not essential to the faith

Looking at myself (and as a mature man)

It’s been a busy week.  Glad that I have a day off to reflect and get back to writing.  I was afraid this was going to happen.  But, hey . . . such is the lot of the busy professional with little time (at times).

Some liken a blog to a kind of online diary.  I think this was more the case in the early days of the interwebz, before blogs and when hosting services like Angelfire served up static pages with shitty graphics.  Ugh . . . glad that blogs have a more uniform sense of style.

Is my blog my diary?  Dunno.  As I said in my very first post, I’m giving this about a year to find my bearings in the ‘sphere.  Though I don’t consider myself unique, some of the problems that I’ve encountered in my life are somewhat unique.  Isn’t everyone’s.

Anyway, cut to the chase . . .

When I first started getting into the thing we call the Manosphere, my life prior to it was somewhat blissful and somewhat chaotic.  In 2010, I was focused on getting a job after spending nine months unemployed (but on unemployment insurance, thankfully, with several thousand bucks in the bank as a cushion).  Once that chaos subsided, then it was time to start dating since I didn’t have much time for it in the years prior due to other priorities.  I also had seem some things concerning women that kicked my INTP self into action in an effort to understand just what the fuck was going on.  Oh, was I in for a ride.

Like most guys who have taken the Red Pill, the months prior to seeing how all this was playing out were confusing.  With one chick, I made the classic mistake of texting her too many times to the point where she curtly told me that I was exhibiting stalkerish behavior and that she, under no circumstances, was going to go out with me.  Intellectually, I could see what I was doing, but flubbed it up, regardless.  First lesson learned.

There was another woman, 38 and quite attractive, that I met on OKCupid.  A divorced Ph.D. in economics.  She and I went out once and then back to my place for more wine.  I threw her on the bed, making out, and almost tore her clothes off, but then she pulled the, “I have to get home to my kids” maneuver, and I let her go.  She and I chatted on Yahoo for a day or so after that night, until I realized that she was wasting my time and cut her off.  That I had the sense to see.

Before her, there was another woman, also late 30s, who I IM’ed with on OKCupid, and who made me jump through hoops so that she could tell that I “wasn’t a stalker.”  What bullshit.  But, I kept IMing her when I should have cut it off much earlier.  Again, another lesson learned.

And, all through learning about the ‘sphere and the Red Pill, I questioned myself rigorously.  It’s the hallmark of being an INTP.  Advance the theory and find the fact to support the theory.  The theory was how worthless I am as a man trying to date and get laid.  The facts were women behaving badly.  Little did I know that it wasn’t all me.

One thing that troubled me for a while (and still does) is age.  At the beginning of my contemporary dating journey, I questioned whether I was going to be attractive to a wide range of women.  What could I do to increase my chances?  I had lost about 20 pounds, and so returned to a very good fighting weight, close to what I was in my 20s, but with more muscle and more definition.  But, would that be enough?  Would changing my wardrobe (which, embarrassingly, hand’t changed since my 20s) make much of a difference?  How about attitude?  How much of that could I change, especially since I’ve never been the most socially adept or warmest person that people have met?  Would being the quiet intellectual work better than the party animal?

Turns out, I was able to date a variety of women in the past two years, including a couple of foreigners.  Most were over 30, but there were a couple of late 20-somethings that entered into the picture.  I have yet to date (and bang) many under 25s.  Notches.

Still, despite this, age is something that plays on my mind.  Sure, when I was in my 20s, it didn’t bother me (except in the case of ageism against the young).  Now, it bothers me more.  I take it to be just the classic awareness that there’s not as much time left as there once was.  So, how am I going to spend it?  I have yet to find the best answer.  But, I keep trying.


One response to “Looking at myself (and as a mature man)

  1. meistergedanken March 7, 2013 at 11:44 am

    I like your attitude here, and being [almost] 41 have entertained many of the same questions. Since I am still knee-deep into a 5-year old marriage, though, I thankfully won’t have to grapple with the dating world any time soon… Pros and cons, eh? I happened to catch what you wrote on Matt Forney’s site (the title and its topic of friendship caught my eye), and after reading it thought, “this is a lot better than Forney’s typical writing – and only then did I scroll up and see it wasn’t written by him! So I came over here and plan on reading back through some of your material. As for myself, I am an “INTJ”, and being introspective is a blessing and a curse…

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